Tim Taylor

It is in the small stuff, moment by moment.

I’ve been experiencing a lot of joy lately. And what is interesting for me is it’s not huge, life-altering events, I find it in the small stuff. Like, watching Maui roll in the wet grass on our morning walk, or the way the sunlight hits the white rocks here in Santa Caterina casting long dark shadows that I feel compelled to draw or photograph. Joy just pops up in these little moments, and it’s not about remembering something happy or wishing for something in the future, it’s just there, right in that second. 

I was thinking about this the other day, and I don’t know why I wanted to write about it, or what I even want to say. So, I know this will be a bit of a ramble, but I am OK with that.  Morning pages are just a ramble and as this is to help me, so be it.

Along with finding more joy, what’s interesting for me is I haven’t felt despair. That’s one thing that hasn’t hit me. I’ve felt sad, sure, but way less than when I was back in Ireland. I think there’s just less sadness for me here. Maybe it’s because I’m going to school, or maybe it’s because I’m drawing every day, but I think it’s also because being in a new country, everything is just… different. There’s always something new to see, something new to experience, and that’s been a real distraction, in a good way.

I set myself a goal, to draw every day, and oddly enough, for the past couple of weeks, I’ve actually managed to do it. It’s not always amazing or super satisfying, but it’s been an interesting practice.  Each day draw something and sometimes I share it with people. And sometimes, it makes me feel lonely. It’s weird.  Joy can sit alongside lonely and they don’t cancel each other out, they co-exist in me, it is all part of my big experiment.  I gave myself this challenge, go live in Italy. Six-months into this enormous challenge to shake things up in my life, honestly, it’s way harder than I thought it would be.

I’m a big believer that we become who we are because of everything we’ve been through. But, and this is the important part, I don’t think it’s set in stone.I think we choose who we become, based on the decisions we make after good or bad things happen. Those choices shape what we believe, how we see the world, and ultimately, who we are when we present ourselves to others.

My sole and soul companion on this adventure is Maui, my 45kg black Labrador. The team at the school refer to their dogs as “fur babies” a phrase new to me but one I have come to appreciate. Maui has become such a baby through this journey. He’s seven now, but he acts more like a little puppy than he ever did. He can’t stand it if I’m out of his sight. He cries if he can’t see me! 

I’ve been taking him for walks, two or three times a day since I got here. I think I’m averaging around 12k a day, which has been great for my health and I’ve lost a lot of weight.

You know, being around Maui so much has taught me something. When your main companion is your dog, you really notice their habits and behaviours. And the thing I’ve realized about him is that he’s just a dog. He doesn’t seem to have any regrets. He just does what dogs do, whatever he needs to do, he does it. He doesn’t overthink things. He’s just really true to his nature.

And I think, in a way, that’s what I’m searching for. How to be true to my own nature, without regrets. Living my life based on what I value, living by my own… not even rules, I don’t like that word… but by being true to myself, what’s important to me, instead of trying to please everyone else or fit in. That whole trying to fit in thing, it’s such a bad habit that most humans have, that urge to bend yourself to fit into a group or a space you think you want to belong to. But usually, once you squeeze yourself into some kind of version of yourself that isn’t really you, it just feels painful. And often, you end up in relationships, romantic or otherwise, that aren’t healthy.

Living true to yourself… I wonder if that’s where real joy comes from, because I watch Maui, and he just radiates joy, especially in the mornings, when he decides to roll around on the grass. I can just see this pure being, radiating joy and happiness. 

And for me, I find joy in all those little things. Drawing every day, and sometimes just the act of doing it, getting lost in the moment. Disappearing into one of my strange little drawing. Suddenly realizing I’ve just been soaking in joy. Or taking a moment to look at a flower. I know, it’s a total cliché, but maybe sometimes clichés are true. Just taking a moment to smell the flowers, to really look at them, to look at the nature around you. When I take those moments, I find joy. I notice myself being joyful in simple things.

Even something like understanding the old lady at the supermarket when she talks to me in Italian. Realizing that I’m not having to translate it in my head, I just… know what she said. I mean, I don’t always know, and I’m sure half of what I think I know is wrong, but that little interaction brings me joy.

I think joy is in the small things. And maybe joy is also about living on your own terms. And a big part of that, for me anyway, is turning off that constant chatter in my head. You know, when you replay a moment or an interaction over and over? Or, and I don’t know if anyone else does this, but I often have this whole talk show going on in my head, where I replay the situation with a voiceover telling me what other people were thinking, and it’s never anything good about me. Those moments I design in my head are always negative.

So, over the last seven months, I’ve been trying to turn that talk show off more and more. Just be present. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s… better than not caring. What is it? It’s just being content. Being content that I’m okay. Even if someone misinterpreted something I said, or even if someone was offended because, well, maybe I wanted to offend them for whatever reason. It’s okay. If I’ve decided what my action was, then it’s okay.

And not editing myself, that’s also joyful. Being able to say what I think. Of course, when I’m talking to people I care about, like my best friend Sharon, thank God for her, I am careful about how I construct sentences and make comments. But sometimes, I’m not. Like yesterday, when I just barked at her, not about anything important, but we can have these moments where we know we’ve probably stepped on each other’s toes a bit, and sometimes that messes with our conversation, but we always come back. Sometimes we mention it, sometimes we don’t. But that’s all part of just being myself, and her being herself. So you don’t have to edit yourself, you’re not trying to fit in. You’re finding people that you do fit with, people who don’t expect you to be anything other than you.

And also, accepting the fact that because you are just who you are, because I am who I am, I will piss people off, disappoint them, annoy them, but not maliciously. And they will do the same to me, but also not maliciously.

Maybe we can think of joy in different categories, different aspects of life. There’s joy in those momentary things, when I think about joy as time, it’s a moment. But then there’s also a joy of remembrance, of the past, like when you look at old photographs and you remember that moment. But even then, you’re experiencing a moment again, in your memory, it’s not the same moment. So, I think joy lives in that present moment.

And I suppose, thinking about it now, those moments when you notice you just fit, or you notice that you have a real friend, or you notice that you’ve said exactly what you wanted to say… those moments, noticing those moments, that’s how I experience joy.